The Archipelago

 

As a single mother, I have the tendency to assume that I am on my own solitary island, surrounded by an ocean of ‘normal’ families. Yet, when I bumped into the mother of one of my son’s classmates the other day, it turned out that she too was a single mum. A look of surprise and even what seemed like relief washed over her face as she heard me say that I was a single parent. We had immediately joined forces and become members of the club. ‘I always thought you looked like the perfect family’, she said, referring to my ex-husband and I. I repeated the common adage that looks can be deceiving. When she started telling me a little about her life, I soon realized that she was a very unhappy single mother. I began to compare her single-mother status to mine and found that I am actually a privileged single mum. I have a fantastic network of people I can fall back on such as my partner, my parents, even my son’s father who helps out when necessary. I also work part-time which means that I see my son regularly. Thankfully, my son sees his father on a regular basis too and has a good relationship with him. Whereas, this single mum had had a one-night stand which meant that her daughter never saw her father. This was a poignant detail and made me see that there are so many shades of single parenting out there.

Another big difference between us was that she was unemployed. She wanted to work but was stuck with her limited hours. I  could imagine her sense of isolation, so I attempted to give her pointers as to how to make a start for herself. Perhaps it was easy for me to talk being in the luxury position of receiving child alimony, allowing me to work part-time. The tendency with us mothers in general is to think of our children first and foremost, only to realize later that unhappiness has set in because we have disregarded our own needs. But having said that, how can single mothers/ fathers find their happiness when in some cases they are so restricted?

We then got talking about another mother from our children’s class who also turned out to belong to our club. She is English and as far as I could gather had no family network here in Holland. In my eyes, completely alone. Her son never saw his father either. What really saddened me was to hear that her boy had been placed under the supervision of a child psychologist as he was showing signs of aggression and antisocial behavior with the added concern of not seeming to care about the consequences. We all know these children; they stand out, they irritate us. Yet, there is nearly always a very good reason for that child’s non-conformist behaviour. I’d be angry too if I never saw my father and rarely saw my mother because of all the hours put in earning an honest crust. But, I completely sympathize with this single mum as the circumstances of single parenthood are sometimes far from ideal.

My hairdresser, my partner, my colleague, an old school friend are all either products of single-parenting or single parents themselves. We’re surrounded by unconventional families, so much so, that the sea of conventional parenting is ebbing, making way for our archipelago of alternative parenting in all its shades of complexity.